The other day my 4 year old told our roofer proudly she could wipe her own bottom now when she poops. I was only slightly surprised she said this to him knowing her personality. I laughed it off and began thinking about the ugly process of teaching her and her two older sisters how to properly wipe.
No one prepared me for this! I thought of parenting as moments in hallmark movies. Boy was I off. Granted there are moments of pure joy. But on a daily basis. We deal with bodily fluids with young children.
There is no dealing with Children’s Bodily Fluids For Idiots book.
So heres my cliff note version of dealing with children’s bodily fluids 101:
Wiping. I can’t help you with boys, I’ve got all girls. I literally bent over and demonstrated the process and the importance to wipe away form their vagina. I showed them about how large of piece of toilet paper to use. My first daughter was a disaster, she used tiny pieces of toilet paper, getting poop on her fingers and wiping the wrong direction causing an infection! They don’t know this stuff, so I have to teach her! When is comes to diapers and poop, Huggies dealt with poop the best for us. Unless you want to get a whiff of poop next time your tuck your hair behind your ear, don’t stick your finger anywhere near the edges to check for a bowl movement. Just assume the worst.
Puke! Puking is the worst of all bodily fluids. Although it’s not as common, thank God. It’s the most disgusting. They don’t understand they are about to erupt like a volcano, they just stand or lay there as it comes pouring out of them with a confused look on there face as they see us running with a look of disgust and fear all at once. When my girls were little toddlers the fast approaching or hovering buckets scared them and confused them. In turn the buckets didn’t help much until they understand. Dangling them over a sink or toilet is just not realistic for a bouncy toddler either. Since I am not a fan of scrubbing puke out of carpet, fabric, bed rails, and carseat buckles I have come to this… we stay at home in a practical designated area; usually the family room. I make a play area of layered towels, only allowing hard and easy to clean toys. If they want to sit on my lap, I drape a towel over both of us as if it were a blanket. When puking begins I pull the sides of the towel vertical to prevent spilling over the sides. When vomit session ends I roll up her vomit contaminated towel and wash it. During sleeping times I made beds of towels layered on the floor and I would sleep near by. It was so much easier to clean up and get them back to sleep. Making a bed over and over on a puking night, is horrible. Keep it practical keep it easy.
Snot and Boogers!! It’s all the time! They are either teething, have a cold, or allergies. Snot is gonna happen. Nose picking is gonna happen. We have all blown our noses and still couldn’t get that wretched dried nasal mucus, so as civilized adults we quickly retrieve it and dispose it and promptly washing our hands. We have all done it! So how can we expect our little humans to not reach for an aggravating piece of dried nasal mucus in their nose. It’s what we do with the booger thats important. Yelling and asking them to not pick their nose may just lead them to hiding the evidence by eating it! (retching sound) That is not ok with me! I keep those little packs of tissues everywhere! In my purse, my van, the diaper bag, in each room in the house. Every time I catch them digging for gold, I hand them a tissue. Now they come find me, “Mom, I have a booger!”… Hey I prefer it than scraping boogers off of walls and furniture.
Someone should warn us parents about this stuff. There are books that share about what toys are good for fine motor skills. What about this stuff?! This is what its really like.
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