I woke up with a frown on my face. Looked out the window, saw the rain, and questioned what reasoning I had to get out of bed. I sluggishly put on my t-shirt and faded blue jeans. Not caring about what I looked like, I paired my outfit with some broken sandals tied together by a thin black string. I wondered what might be so different about the day when so far, everything was as somber as usual on a Monday morning.
I went downstairs to get something to eat. I opened the fridge twice, maybe three times then shut it empty handed. I moved over to the cabinet. Opening it twice, maybe three times before closing it – again empty handed… I suddenly lost my appetite.
I sat on the couch as thoughts of you ran through my head. Tears fell from my eyes as a memory of you passed through. But it’s never just one tear. They come in waves, and some days I drown in them.
The world looks different without you here, almost as if the sun doesn’t shine as bright, but the moon shines brighter. There is more light in my darkest days because I can close my eyes and remember you. But the light in my brighter days seems dull, because I no longer share this light with you.
I go through my day like I normally would when you we’re here, but the memories creep into my head and stick like molasses- distracting me from making any progress.
And I tell myself I need you, as if you’re not around anymore. As if you disappeared off the face of the earth. As If I will never see you again.
But I will see you again.
And even though the thought of seeing you again seems like a fantasy played over and over in my head time after time I believe it’s true.
I try to let go of the pain, but your absence makes it harder to tell myself that you’re okay. Instead of letting my pain go, I hold on to it like a leech on my back. This pain, sucking the blood out of my veins, turning me cold.
I set aside my own life to grieve but grieving has started to become my life. The very day I noticed I greive 90% of my day and have a half-hearted smile the other 10% is the day I put an end to the pain of your absence.
I realized that holding onto this pain will not help me get through anything and that focusing on the good times we had together will help me face the reality that there is nothing I can do to bring you back.
I never got to say a proper goodbye to all of you…. I wasn’t there for any of it. But as time goes on I see that it isn’t goodbye that I have to say. It’s “I’ll see yas later.”
Aunt Tina, Uncle Tink, Aunt Terina, Aunt Karen, Grandpa Platt, and Andrew, my love has not ended for you. My love has only gotten stronger.
And as I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I smile for all the things I did and all the things I will do in your honor each day I live. I may not ever hold your hand again or hear your voice, but inside my heart none of you are dead. You’re all fully alive and when I am the same amount of alive as you are I will see you again.
I missed you today, but not in the same ways that I will miss you tomorrow.
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