This is just a little story about me, it’s kind of personal and very honest. I hope that, maybe someone who is, or has felt the same is given some piece of mind knowing that there is someone else out there like them! So I’ll start off by saying something you probably aren’t used to hearing from a woman…I never dreamed of having children or being a wife. Shocking, right?!? Most little girls dream of their wedding day, and their children (how many they’ll have AND their names). I never did that. I was a very shy little girl who grew up with 3 brothers so I didn’t have a lot of ‘playing house’ or ‘girl talk’ involved in my daily activities. My brothers and I played a lot outside, climbing trees, playing baseball, swimming, and exploring the woods around our house. I also grew up LOVING animals, like they were my passion! I wanted to be a veterinarian and help sick animals. So with that little bit of background being said, being a mom wasn’t something that I felt the least bit ready or prepared for!
My husband and I got married in July 2011, and we decided to go off of birth control and just let things happen however they were meant to happen. We were ‘trying’ to conceive for 6 months and NOTHING was happening. I made an appointment with my dr and she assured me that everything was fine, that I was a healthy 27 year old girl, and that I hadn’t given it enough time, that it would happen. After what at the time seemed like years, 3 months later we found out I was pregnant, and we were ecstatic!! Don’t get me wrong, we were also terrified of what we had hoped and prayed for for all this time…’what if we weren’t ready?’
My entire pregnancy was relatively uncomplicated and easy, so to speak. We were discussing name possibilities and getting a room in the house all prepared for HER, this little creature that is going to soon come into my quiet, ORGANIZED, controlled environment…and I would soon have zero control anymore. If it hasn’t been established yet, I’ll throw it out there…I am an absolute control freak! I have severe anxiety and had depression through out my college years. My life revolves around to-do lists, and time…ohhhh time! I must look at the clock a bazillion times a day, and if we are ever 5 minutes late for something…I can literally feel my heart ready to jump from my chest. It’s awful. So anyways, back to this little ‘thing’ that is about to disrupt all of my lists and make me late for everything. Even as a pregnant woman…I never felt that instant connection or protectiveness that you read so much about. People would gush over the idea of there being a precious little baby girl inside my belly, and I felt nothing. Don’t take that literally, I felt all the kicks and stuff, just not the ‘instant motherly bond’ you hear so much about.
Now, fast forward through my 9 months of pregnancy towards the end. I felt like, ‘when this baby comes out I will gladly let anyone babysit who wants her!’ ‘I just want my normal life back’. I was due on January 12, 2013, and my little bundle of joy decided to put on the brakes, she apparently was just as not ready as I was. I was scheduled to be induced on January 18,2013 and that is the day that Ailyn was born and my life was forever changed. That ‘instant connection’ you hear women say they have when they find out they’re expecting, I didn’t get that, however…I DID instantly feel this huge bubble surrounding me, my husband, and my new little, not so disruptive all of a sudden, sweet little angel from God. I say it all the time, I may not have realized how much I would love her when I was pregnant with her…but the absolute second that I layed my eyes on her little face, I knew that she is the reason I’m here, in this particular point in my life, my heart was whole again…and I have never felt so perfect in my own skin.
In the few months after Ailyn was born, people wanted to hold her, and feed her, and babysit her…and I could not, or would not give her up. I didn’t care about how tired I was, or how sore and achy I was, or that I hadn’t showered that day. I only wanted to hold my baby, and breathe in the smell of her skin. I felt like she is the reason I was put on this earth, and still to this day…over 2 years later, I can honestly say that I still feel exactly the same. She is my best little friend and we do everything together.
So to wrap things up, it’s ok to be scared at first, orrrr throughout your entire pregnancy.Add to favorites